Why We Don't Treat Others the Way We Want to Be Treated

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless you work at an international company. Where if you treated people the way you want to be treated… you'd just end up with a lot of unhappy people."

People don't want to be treated in the same way. This is so hard to understand because we experience "false-consensus bias"—the belief that everyone thinks and feels the same way we do about things (spoiler: they don't).

"False consensus bias is the belief that everyone thinks and feels the same way we do about things. And it's totally wrong."

Our cultural background—whether that includes race, ethnicity, religion, gender, or other subculture groups—shapes what we consider 'normal.'

As long as we collaborate with similar people, we don't notice our false-consensus bias (that's connected to discussions around "hiring for culture-fit").

But when you work at an international company, the "golden rule" can fail spectacularly.

Rather than hoping people figure out how to communicate across cultures productively and respectfully, we decided to take action. We created a framework for communicating with anyone—and we're sharing it because we don't think our company should be the only one with this knowledge.

Communication Break Down

Let's imagine a manager attempting to build trust with their direct report.

The manager comes from a task-based trust culture. The report comes from a relationship-based trust culture.

The manager treats their report the way they prefer to be treated—by providing extensive project feedback and praise for strong work.

Meanwhile, the report feels their manager doesn't view them as a person—because they establish trust through personal connection.

The result? A supportive manager—and a report who senses their manager lacks confidence in them.

There's the challenge. Now, here are potential solutions.

Part 1: Communicating Nonviolently

I work as a talent development coach at Chili Piper. I support people through their obstacles, anxieties, and aspirations.

Something that regularly surfaces is anxiety that we only matter if we're at least as capable as others.

"Most of us have been socialized into seeing ourselves as objects with flaws who should deny our needs but at the same time compete with others." —Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Language reinforces those self-objectifying and judgmental perspectives. The first way we address this at Chili Piper is through a communication framework. (This article covers only a portion of nonviolent communication. You can explore more here.)

This framework redirects attention from "what's happening between us" to "what's the connection between us."

Here's a real-world example following the nonviolent communication framework:

1. Observation: A factual, specific statement with no added assumptions, judgments, or evaluations. Allows for you having misheard.

"When I saw you arrive at the meeting after the start time…"

2. Feeling: Explain what you are feeling without adding opinion, criticism, or moral judgment.

"...I felt frustrated…"

3. Need: State the need that underlies your feelings — the reason for why you reacted to the situation the way you did. Make sure you only say things about yourself.

"…because I was needing participation from everyone who was invited…"

4. Request: Ask for a specific action. Don't take an initial 'no' as rejection.

"...Next time, would you consider letting me know if you're going to be late?"

Complete NVC statement:

"When I saw you arrive at the meeting after the start time, I felt frustrated, because I was needing participation from everyone who was invited. Next time, would you consider letting me know if you're going to be late?"

Part 2: Active Listening and Nonverbal Communication

A nonviolent communication framework serves as a solid foundation, but only for people who feel confident enough in English (or spoken communication) to use it and who can interpret cultural signals.

That's where active listening and awareness of cultural variations becomes essential.

We developed a training to help everyone recognize how culture shapes our communication:

• Nonviolent Communication Basics - Become conscious of the filters and conventions we followed previously in our lives, and swap these spoken conventions with a needs-based communication approach.
• Nonverbal Communication and Active Listening - Ensure our nonverbal signals match the words we use, and be able to thoughtfully receive the complete message the other person is sending.
• Crosscultural Communication - Learn what culture is, how it influences our everyday interactions, and how to bridge different cultural values and communication approaches.
• Individual Communication Differences - Learn about personality and neurodiversity and realize that often we react and communicate a certain way because of differences, not ill intent. Reframe misunderstandings, increase mindfulness, and remove personal blame.

At the conclusion of the training, we don't expect everyone to memorize each country's value positions and communication approaches.

Instead, it's designed to help people understand each other and begin conversations about how to work together—rather than past each other.

Part 3: A Cheat Sheet

We didn't just ask everyone to attend training and call it complete.

We gave them homework.

But, fun homework.

To help our team members better grasp their own cultural preferences, we developed a cheat sheet template. We call it our "Working with Me Guide." (Download here)

In this guide, we pose questions like, "What can people do to help you feel appreciated and supported in your work?" and "How do you prefer to communicate?"

Then team members share their guide with their manager and other colleagues.

Let's revisit our scenario.

The manager receives feedback that his report needs to experience more trust.

Initially, the manager is surprised—but I gave them so much feedback and told them they were doing a good job!

Then, the manager reads their report's Working with Me Guide… and they understand their report doesn't build trust through feedback. They build trust through relationships.

So the manager schedules a weekly coffee break with their report, just to chat about life and other things.

And They All Lived Happily Ever After

Not really.

This isn't a one-time solution.

Learning how to communicate nonviolently and across differences is a continuous process.

But it's a process our team members understand they're participating in.

And as the saying goes, awareness is the first step of change.

As you might have gathered, I am a psychologist. I spent a decade studying how human differences and similarities shape our interactions. And I only touched the surface with this article.

If you're like me and intrigued by this topic, here are some resources I'd suggest for deeper learning:

• Culture Map: Decoding How People Think, Lead, and Get Things Done Across Cultures, by Erin Meyer
• Quirk: Brain Science Makes Sense of Your Peculiar Personality, by Hannah Holmes
• Hofstede's interactive country values tool